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[music]
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I estimate this soap has one more good washing left.
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Dang.
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It's so small I can't even find it.
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What's with the bath?
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Did the shower reject you again?
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I'm trying to think of a product idea.
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I read that Einstein
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did his best thinking in the bath.
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It's the warm water.
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That's the same theory behind instant soup.
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Would you mind not staring at me?
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Uh, what's the camera for?
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That's my voice-activated, motion-sensitive
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hovering Dilcamcorder
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specially designed to record my brilliant ideas.
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Oh, I hope that's what that's for.
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I'm sitting in water.
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I can't use my laptop computer.
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Hmm. So that's your story.
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Yes, it is.
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As an engineer,
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obviously you know
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that a bathtub is the least efficient form of bathing.
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I'm thinking up ideas.
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You're sitting in your own filth.
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Some of it's in the water.
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It's kind of like rinsing your fruit
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in the sewer to wash the pesticides off.
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Okay. Bath is over.
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Ugh. Why don't you invent a product
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that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath?
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Kind of a de-pruner.
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Dogbert, that is the vainest, most superficial idea
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I've ever heard.
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Thank you.
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I don't want to de-prune people.
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I want to make the world a better place to live in.
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Is this where you thought up your invention
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that reversed global warming?
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Yes. The bath water helps me think.
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And why are you filming yourself?
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I told you.
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I can't use the laptop in the bath.
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So, you're sticking to that story?
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Yes, I am.
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You know, you're sitting in your own filth.
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I'm trying to think of an invention
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to fix that too.
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I think it's called the SHOWER.
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This fantasy's been a profound disappointment.
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[music]
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[CHANTING] Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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Ooh, ah, oh, chee!
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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[CARS HONKING]
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Ooh, yuck!
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WOMAN'S VOICE: All pedestrians eliminated.
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Game over.
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Can we do some work now?
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One more game.
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I think I can get to the rest home
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if I blow up the day care center.
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Welcome to pedestrian outrage.
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Remember, I'm the only woman who loves you.
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Registered user: Wally.
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He's hooked.
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We're on a deadline here.
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We need to design
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the company's new flagship product
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and we need it yesterday.
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Yesterday?
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Then it's already too late.
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Which means...
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Yes! One more game.
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Everything's been invented.
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No, it hasn't.
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A time machine.
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That's just one example.
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[SIGHS] All right. Let's go with a time machine.
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[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
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[CRASH]
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Well, that's it.
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I'm inured to violence now.
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[HUMMING]
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Well, how's the prototype coming?
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Hmm?
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A rotating cube.
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I like it.
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Can we be first to market?
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That's a screen saver.
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Save the technical mumbo jumbo.
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I just want to know if it'll work.
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It'll work, but everyone already has one.
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That's no good.
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What else do you have?
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We were tossing around the idea of a time machine.
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Well, you'd better get going on that.
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I've heard there's a rival engineering department
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right here in our own organization
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moving into our turf
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and developing their own prototype.
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Just out of curiosity
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who's running the other department?
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Lena.
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Lena? You mean there really is a Lena?
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I always thought she was just a myth.
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She's more than a myth.
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She's like the Xena of engineers.
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I heard when she was attending Wellesley
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as a foreign exchange student, there was an incident
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where she severed a couple of classmates' heads
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with a hockey stick.
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None of the witnesses ever talked about that day.
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If no one talked
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how do we all know the story?
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I read it on her Web page.
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Uh-oh.
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I heard a rumor
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that she steals the ideas of other engineers
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then cuts off their heads so they can't talk.
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I like Wally's story better.
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Anyway, no shame in being a runner-up.
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After all, Albany is BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR.
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ALL: Albany?
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Whoever designs the next prototype
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will need more floor space.
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I'll have to relocate
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the unproductive engineers
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to our facility in Albany.
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[WIND WHISTLING]
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[TYPING]
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Hey, look at this, Alice.
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"Home Liposuction Kit."
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You could take one of these babies and-- Ooh!
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We're doomed.
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Lena's team is probably half-done with their prototype.
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We don't even have an idea.
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Lena is totally overrated.
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We can beat her.
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I don't care if most of the engineers
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have gone over to her side.
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Lena's team is so big,
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you could get lost in the crowd
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and never have to lift a finger.
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ALICE: They might get the big raises and the party atmosphere
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but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes
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from really hard work.
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You could have worded that better.
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[TIRES SCREECHING]
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Can I help you?
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I've got to get to work and you're blocking me.
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Although it might seem that way on the surface
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in reality, it's you that's blocking yourself.
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You're right.
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How do you know that?
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It's what I do.
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You're a garbage man.
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Exactly.
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Well, can you at least move the truck?
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It is moving.
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It only seems like it's standing still.
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By the way, thanks for recycling.
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[STRAINED] Lena.
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[FOREIGN ACCENT] Dilbert, I am so very sorry.
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You must have been in my blind spot.
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I was right in front of you.
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Exactly.
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You look so pale and sickly.
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That's because I can't...breathe.
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[PANTING]
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I cannot tell you how excited I am
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for the opportunity to work on a prototype
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against such a pro like yourself.
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Me?
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I am a huge FAN OF YOUR WORK.
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You are?
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I only hope I can come up
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with something half as brilliant as you...
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because I'm sure as hell not going to Albany.
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You know, you're slightly more friendly than I imagined.
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Really?
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You don't say.
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I mean, all the gossip
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about how cutthroat and Machiavellian you are.
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Well, you know how people exaggerate.
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And the rumors about Fred--
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the engineer who mysteriously disappeared
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after his project went up against yours?
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Yes. Rumors. All rumors.
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Unless a witness comes forward.
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DILBERT: Hmm.
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What did you bring for lunch?
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Oh, salad.
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[SIGHS]
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She touched me.
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Hey, great. You're finally getting into it.
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What'd you come up with?
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It's nothing. Nothing yet.
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Still a work in progress.
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Give me a few minutes to clean it up.
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Look. There's no time for niceties.
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We're on a deadline.
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Just let me see.
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What the heck?
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"Oh Lena Sweet Lena
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"A female divinity
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My passions exceed Pi R-squared times infinity"?
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Have you lost your mind?
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That is not only the most nauseating thing
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I've ever read
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It's meaningless if R is undefined.
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Poetic license.
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Man, she must have blown some smoke
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up your butt.
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Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?
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I think you're jealous.
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Jealous?
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I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction
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when I say...no.
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What's a word that rhymes with gradient?
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She is sabotaging us.
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Have you ever been to Albany?
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Gradient...gradient...
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Radiant.
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I can't believe I'm saying this
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but I think we were better off when Wally was here.
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We actually need him.
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Ugh!
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[MUFFLED CHEERING]
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Wally?
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Yes?
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Wally, it's us.
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So it is.
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He doesn't recognize us.
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Of course he does.
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Wally, old pal, we need you to come back to the team.
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I am not of your team.
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I am of Team Lena.
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Praise Lena.
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Snap out of it, you half-wit.
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[GRUNTS]
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Pain. Lena said there would be pain for those who leave.
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I see she was right
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but I only left to go to the bathroom.
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Lena, I'm coming back!
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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Wally, it's Dilbert and Alice.
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Don't you remember us?
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You...you were from the before time
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when I was not of Team Lena.
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Praise Lena.
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Lena, I return to you!
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I swear I will never use the men's room again!
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Boy, he's got it bad.
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The worse part is I like him better this way.
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Hey, look at that.
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She's holding me up as an example to her team.
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I told you she respects me.
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My people, behold the anti-me.
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[AUDIENCE JEERING]
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Victory is not enough.
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We must destroy our opponent.
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We will not only build a better prototype,
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we will build it
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upon the crushed bones and torn flesh of Dilbert!
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[CHEERING]
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Dilbert, how wonderful to see you here.
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Alice.
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Lena.
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We were just passing by.
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Look, Dilly, I was wondering
277
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,243
if you weren't doing anything later
278
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,245
maybe we could get together
279
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,247
and talk about...things.
280
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,750
[STAMMERING] Oh, uh, sure. Yeah.
281
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,252
My-my cubicle is...
282
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,253
No, no, no, no, no.
283
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,254
Not here at the office.
284
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,755
I was thinking perhaps
285
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:31,757
your place.
286
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,759
[STAMMERING]
287
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,261
Dilbert!
288
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,262
Yes?
289
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:37,263
Around 7?
290
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,265
Great. See you tonight.
291
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,266
I got a date.
292
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,268
I got a date!
293
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,769
I got a date!
294
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,271
Hoo-hoo! Yeah!
295
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,273
ASOK: Package for you, Alice.
296
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:01,287
Let's see.
297
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:03,789
Lena's plate is at positive point five longitude,
298
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,291
negative three latitude.
299
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:08,294
My plate is at positive point five longitude
300
00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,296
Positive three point latitude.
301
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:13,299
Lena's fork is at positive two point five longitude
302
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,800
negative three latitude.
303
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:17,803
Lena's fork.
304
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:22,308
Decapitate Dilbert, steal idea,
305
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:24,810
two quarts milk, a box of meusli.
306
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,818
Mm. I hate Origami.
307
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:36,322
I have a date.
308
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,323
Boy, that was weird.
309
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,325
I thought you said you had a date.
310
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,326
Want to buy a tape?
311
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,830
I'm kind of busy right now.
312
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:45,831
Half off.
313
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:48,334
Two for one.
314
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,335
Supplies are limited.
315
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,337
Goodbye, Dogbert.
316
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:54,340
Lena, long time, no see.
317
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,841
Dogbert, always a pleasure.
318
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:59,345
Hello, Dilbert.
319
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:00,846
[VOICE QUAVERING] Oh.
320
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,848
Lena. Did you have any trouble
321
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:03,849
finding the place?
322
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,851
No, the global positioning coordinates
323
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:06,852
you gave were perfect.
324
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:08,354
Well, come in. Sit down.
325
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,356
Can I get you something to drink?
326
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,861
Yes. I'll have a Triple Brandy Alexander
327
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,364
with an Easter Island Sunset chaser.
328
00:13:18,364 --> 00:13:20,366
A wha...?
329
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:23,369
How are those drinks coming, Dilly?
330
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:27,373
Any minute now, my Swedish, uh, meatball.
331
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:28,874
Crap.
332
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:30,376
Crud.
333
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,377
Idiocy.
334
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,878
Garbage.
335
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:33,879
Nothing.
336
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,881
Where would that imbecile keep his notes?
337
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:46,392
[SWITCHES ON]
338
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:49,895
It's so small I, I... I can't even find it.
339
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:52,898
That's more than I needed to know.
340
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,900
[FAST-FORWARD VIDEO GARBLE]
341
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,402
DOGBERT: Why don't you invent a product
342
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,904
that keeps your skin from wrinkling after a bath?
343
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,406
Kind of a de-pruner?
344
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,408
It could work.
345
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:05,411
It could just work.
346
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,912
You want that--
347
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:09,915
[TIRES SCREECHING]
348
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:10,916
to go?
349
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:25,931
Lena!
350
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:39,445
Holy mother of...
351
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446
Hello?
352
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,463
[GASPS]
353
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,467
Oh, my God. Fred, is that you?
354
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,468
Dilbert.
355
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,469
Yes.
356
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:04,470
Dilbert, this is Joe
357
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,971
Frank, Ed, and Larry.
358
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,473
Hi, how you doing? Hi, Dilbert.
359
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,474
Nice to meet you.
360
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,476
Get out while you still can.
361
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:11,477
Get out?
362
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,978
Yes, get out.
363
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,981
Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar.
364
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,483
Maybe it didn't work out with you guys,
365
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,985
but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me.
366
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:20,986
She really likes ME.
367
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,488
HEADS: That's what she said to me.
368
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,490
She said that to all of us.
369
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:26,992
Oh.
370
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997
There you are.
371
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500
What took you so long?
372
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,001
What took me so long?
373
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:47,012
You built this VCR from broken parts?
374
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:48,013
Of a washing machine.
375
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:52,518
It's so small, I can't even find it.
376
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:55,521
Hey, where'd you get that?
377
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,022
I got it used at a swap meet.
378
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,023
I think you should know
379
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,526
this transdermal hydro-elastic regenerator
380
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:03,028
is well within the realm of possibility.
381
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,029
You mean the de-pruner?
382
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,031
Take a look.
383
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,034
Well, what do you know?
384
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:12,037
By increasing the gaseous conduction analyzer
385
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:13,539
and factoring in the shift
386
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:16,041
of the gyroscopic stabilizer... Huh.
387
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,543
It's obvious...
388
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,544
in retrospect.
389
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:21,046
A bona fide cell recycling machine.
390
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,548
Well, I'll be.
391
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,549
Actually...
392
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,050
you already are.
393
00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,552
I don't know what to say.
394
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:27,553
I'm not surprised.
395
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:28,554
Can I have this?
396
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,055
What am I going to do with it?
397
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,056
I'm a garbage man.
398
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,564
[MACHINE POWERING UP]
399
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,066
[HORN SOUNDING]
400
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:45,070
Yes. A cell recycling machine.
401
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,572
Pretty darn spiffy.
402
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:50,075
Team Lena is going down.
403
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,577
Must one person's triumph
404
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,078
be another's humiliation?
405
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,580
Of course.
406
00:16:57,082 --> 00:17:01,086
LENA: We stand at the dawning of a new age
407
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:04,590
where man transcends his mortality
408
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,592
and becomes Superman.
409
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,594
Yeah, and I'm Batgirl. Get on with it.
410
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:09,595
Shh!
411
00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:12,097
And so, I present to you
412
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:15,601
the eighth wonder of the world
413
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,102
the de-pruner.
414
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,105
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
415
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,106
Oh.
416
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,110
36 hours!
417
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:28,614
36 hours immersed in water.
418
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,115
I can't feel my legs.
419
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,117
Now...behold!
420
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,149
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
421
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:16,161
We better rent Ironweed.
422
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663
Hey, Wally!
423
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:18,664
I got your trunks!
424
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,165
Woo!
425
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
But the best part
426
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:26,171
is what my invention can do for your sex lives!
427
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,173
It's so small,
428
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,675
I can't even find it.
429
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,677
Oh, yes.
430
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,179
De-pruning is the ultimate aphrodisiac
431
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:37,182
for married couples only, of course.
432
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:39,685
She's making me think of sex
433
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:42,187
at the same time I see you naked.
434
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:47,192
Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain!
435
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,195
Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!
436
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,697
You made this happen.
437
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,699
You made me think of Dilbert
438
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,200
and sex at the same time!
439
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,703
You've ruined sex for me!
440
00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,204
Forever!
441
00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:00,706
I'm starting to be insulted.
442
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:02,708
Lena must pay!
443
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,230
[HUMMING]
444
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,732
Ho!
445
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,735
Ho!
446
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:32,237
Our special today is an angry horde of rioters
447
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,239
who will trample you and your date.
448
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,240
Ooh, I'll have that--
449
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,754
Oh, forgive me, madam.
450
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,255
I had no-- Honey?
451
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:52,257
Darling, I can explain.
452
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,260
Hey, that's some deal.
453
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,261
Yeah, I'll take two.
454
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:07,272
Kind of funny how things turn out.
455
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:10,275
I haven't lost yet, buddy boy.
456
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:11,777
I'll cut off your head
457
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:15,280
and send your scrawny girlfriend Alice to Albany.
458
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:16,281
Girlfriend?
459
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:20,285
Me? His?
460
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,286
Have you gone mad?
461
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,788
She's nuts.
462
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,289
75% off.
463
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:26,291
Last chance before they're pulled from the market
464
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:29,294
repackaged as a deluxe edition and then put back on THE MARKET.
465
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,297
[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
466
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:44,810
I've got images in my brain I'll never get out!
467
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:57,322
I knew I shouldn't have added that option.
468
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,826
[LENA SHRIEKS]
469
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:03,328
Well, better this than Albany.
470
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:09,334
I wonder how this shows up on our head count report.
471
00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:11,336
[CHUCKLING]
472
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,848
[LAUGHING]
473
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,853
DOGBERT: Feeling inadequate?
474
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,856
Not measuring up to the other guys?
475
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,858
Well, you're probably right.
476
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,861
So give me $29.95 and I guarantee
477
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,863
you'll feel a lot better.
478
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:43,869
It's so small, I can't even find it.
479
00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:44,870
[GASPS]
480
00:21:44,870 --> 00:21:46,872
I can't even find it. I MEANT SOAP.
481
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:49,374
I was talking about soap.
482
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:50,876
Wasn't it obvious?
483
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,377
I was talking about soap.
484
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:53,879
Soap!
485
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:03,388
[music]
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