1
00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,071
Hmm. Let's see.
2
00:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,573
Name: Dogbert.
3
00:00:06,573 --> 00:00:10,577
Height: Varies depending on my speed
4
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,079
relative to the observer.
5
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,582
Weight: Is a sensation
6
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:20,086
caused by the gravitational warping of space-time.
7
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,588
[CHUCKLING]
8
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,089
Age: hmm...
9
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,591
According to Einstein
10
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,593
time is merely a persistent illusion.
11
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:28,094
Take that.
12
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:29,596
What are you doing?
13
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:31,598
I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle.
14
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,600
I think a lot of these are trick questions.
15
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,603
What qualifications do you have to fly on a space shuttle?
16
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:39,606
None. But, strangely enough, that doesn't disqualify me.
17
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,611
That's it.
18
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,112
I think I've done it.
19
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,114
That's not the word on the street.
20
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,616
No. I've been trying to achieve
21
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,117
the perfect ratio
22
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,119
of mango-flavored hyper-juice to water
23
00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:54,621
by shining a laser through it
24
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,623
and measuring its absorption rate.
25
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:57,624
I think I've done it.
26
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,126
There's one small nothing for mankind.
27
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,128
Have you tried following
28
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:03,129
the directions on the back?
29
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,643
BOTH: Now look what you did.
30
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,645
I think you better put that away.
31
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,650
What's really bothering you?
32
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:24,651
Nothing.
33
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,152
Something's bothering you.
34
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,153
No, it's not.
35
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,655
Come on.
36
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:29,656
No, really.
37
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:30,657
Spit it out.
38
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:32,158
Oh, all right, if you must know.
39
00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:35,161
Wow. Sometimes I amaze myself.
40
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:38,164
Today we start the most frustrating phase
41
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,167
of produce-development-- Testing the prototype.
42
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,169
Ah, so you're riddled with insecurities
43
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,671
about your performance.
44
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,673
No. Maybe you should be.
45
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,174
The test engineer assigned
46
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:50,176
to my prototype is a legend.
47
00:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,678
His name is Bob Bastard.
48
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,680
Ooh, you better throw in the towel.
49
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,181
Look, Dogbert, I've spent
50
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,183
a lot of time working on this product.
51
00:01:57,183 --> 00:02:00,186
The Gruntmaster 6000 is my baby-- Even though
52
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:03,189
it bears no resemblance to what I originally conceived.
53
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,191
Are you listening to any of this?
54
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:06,693
[SIGHS] You conceived a baby
55
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,195
but it bears no resemblance to you.
56
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,196
Ratbert.
57
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,700
Here. Drink this.
58
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,208
Not bad.
59
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,211
[EXPLOSION]
60
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,719
[music]
61
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,766
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
62
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280
Dilbert, I want you to know
63
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,283
I have the utmost confidence in you and your team.
64
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:39,285
You do? I do what?
65
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,286
Never mind.
66
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:41,287
Hi, guys.
67
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:42,288
Sorry I'm late.
68
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,795
I stopped off at Starbucks.
69
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:49,796
Wow.
70
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,297
Bob Bastard.
71
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,298
What's with the mask?
72
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,801
Yeah. I've got to ask him where he bought it.
73
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,803
It's so sad.
74
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,304
What mask?
75
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,309
I believe you're on fire.
76
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,812
Ooh, you got that right.
77
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:06,813
What a show-off.
78
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,314
Can't he just walk in the door
79
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,315
like everybody else?
80
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317
Dilbert, black, no sugar.
81
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:15,321
Wally, cream with sugar.
82
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:17,323
Boss, decaf with equal.
83
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,324
Alice...
84
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,327
Cafe au lait.
85
00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:24,330
[SLURPING]
86
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:25,331
[COUGHING]
87
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:26,332
What's the matter
88
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:28,334
Too strong for ya?
89
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:31,337
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
90
00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:33,339
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Bastard.
91
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,341
My father's Mr. Bastard.
92
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,343
I'm Bob.
93
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,345
No coffee for you, Bob?
94
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:45,351
No. I'm so jacked up, my head's ready to explode.
95
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,854
[SLURPING]
96
00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:50,857
Dilbert, slurping is SO rude.
97
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:51,858
But it's hot.
98
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:52,859
I hate slurping.
99
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,861
That's what broke up my marriage.
100
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,863
If you ever do that in front of me again
101
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,865
I will throw that hot coffee in your face
102
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,366
and you can slurp it through your pores.
103
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,868
Do you hear me?! Do you?!
104
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,369
Whoa.
105
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,872
As if I could slurp through my pores.
106
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:08,374
Well, now that that's all settled...
107
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,877
let the testing begin!
108
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:13,880
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
109
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,887
[PLAYS OMINOUS ORGAN THEME]
110
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:22,388
First, the rock 'n roll test.
111
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,892
To determine the prototype's ability
112
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:31,397
to withstand differing levels of seismic activity.
113
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,398
I tell you, Bob
114
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,901
you're like a celebrity around here.
115
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:36,402
Grotesque and evil,
116
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,404
yet famous and surprisingly polite.
117
00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:39,906
Do you golf?
118
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,908
Excuse me, I'm working.
119
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,409
The man is working!
120
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:00,927
Have you heard their last CD?
121
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:01,928
Wild stuff.
122
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,951
Maybe it's me, but I don't see...
123
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:25,952
It's you.
124
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:26,953
Okay.
125
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,460
Where's your God now?
126
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,474
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
127
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,976
Sorry, my friends,
128
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,979
but it's better to find the problems now
129
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:56,482
than to send a defective product into the market
130
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,985
to shatter the lives of innocent people.
131
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,987
Well, it's a gray area.
132
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,990
[CHUCKLING]
133
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,492
Gray area?
134
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,994
Masked jerk.
135
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,498
He's like a wounded bird.
136
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:15,501
A vulture, but, still-- that's a bird.
137
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,024
You're going into space?
138
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,026
Good observation, potato boy.
139
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,027
I'll send you a postcard.
140
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:44,030
I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
141
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,031
Oh, it can be done
142
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,532
but you might see a little jump
143
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,533
in your next tax bill.
144
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,536
What are you planning on doing with my laser?
145
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,538
Did you know there are no laws in space?
146
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,043
[GRUNTING]
147
00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:03,549
Well, gotta go.
148
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:14,060
A little to the left.
149
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,063
No, uh... a little to the right.
150
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,564
No, a little to the left.
151
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,066
My left or your left?
152
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,068
What's the difference?
153
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:25,571
My left is your right, and your right is my left.
154
00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:26,572
Just put it down.
155
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:28,074
DILBERT: Ah, there's Wally.
156
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,575
Wally, could you give me a...?
157
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:30,576
Hey, Bob, how's it going?
158
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078
Wally.
159
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,079
He called me Wally.
160
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,580
That's your name.
161
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,082
There's no call for bitterness.
162
00:08:40,586 --> 00:08:42,088
I'm not worried.
163
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,089
This prototype is designed
164
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:45,591
to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 degrees.
165
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:49,095
Wow. That's almost enough to boil water.
166
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,107
I know you, Alice.
167
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,608
You push people away
168
00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:06,112
afraid they might see you as you really are.
169
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,613
You scare me, Bob.
170
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:10,116
You scare the bejesus out of me.
171
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:11,617
But in a good way.
172
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:13,119
Hold that thought, babe.
173
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:16,622
Let me destroy a dream and I'll get right back to you.
174
00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:19,125
I will now subject the prototype
175
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:23,629
to the next phase of environmental testing--
176
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:26,132
Exposure to extreme heat.
177
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,138
ALL: Ooh...
178
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:34,640
All right.
179
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,142
Yes! Yes!
180
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,153
Yes, yes.
181
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,654
Did you see that, Dilbert?
182
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,156
Did you see it?
183
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:52,158
Ooh, boy, I've got goose bumps.
184
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,160
Or some other strange growths.
185
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:58,164
Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?
186
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,168
BOSS: To failure!
187
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:05,671
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cubicle
188
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,673
dangling from a power strip.
189
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:08,674
All right, Dilbert.
190
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,176
Good for you.
191
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,678
ANNOUNCER: The astronauts now approaching the module
192
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:15,681
looking Spring-like in their white jumpsuits...
193
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,183
Hey, there's Dogbert.
194
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,684
Hey, Dogbert!
195
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,186
Ooh, I'm out of change.
196
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,187
I'll get you on the way back.
197
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:24,690
Wait a minute-- that's my wallet.
198
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,192
Wally?
199
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:27,193
What are you doing?
200
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,694
I'm not doing anything.
201
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,196
Why are you dressed like that?
202
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,197
I'm not dressed like that.
203
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,698
You're trying to look like him.
204
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,200
Don't be ridiculous.
205
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,202
It's just that all my non-Bob Bastard-imitation
206
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,703
clothes are in the laundry.
207
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,205
This is all I have left.
208
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,706
What has happened to you?
209
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,208
Are you in Bob Bastard's camp now?
210
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:45,211
He has a camp? Cool.
211
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,714
Why DO I try?
212
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:51,217
I think we make a terrific couple, Alice.
213
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,718
You really think so?
214
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,720
No, I'm just toying with your emotions.
215
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,222
[GIGGLES]
216
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,224
Since I caught you in such a good mood
217
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,226
can I borrow another 50 bucks?
218
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:01,227
Another $50?
219
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,728
Oh, forget it!
220
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,730
If you're going to lay some kind of trip on me,
221
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,731
I'll see you around.
222
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,233
No, wait. Okay. Here.
223
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,237
Hmm... make that a hundred bucks.
224
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,739
I'm saving up for a new mask.
225
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:15,741
What do you mean you're changing your name?
226
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,743
Seriously, don't you think it sounds good?
227
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:18,744
Wally Bastard.
228
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,746
Have you lost your mind?
229
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,248
You're worse than Alice.
230
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,749
Bob Bastard is evil.
231
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:27,253
He is set on destroying everything we hold dear.
232
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,255
Here's my dress, my purse.
233
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,756
Anything else?
234
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,759
Yeah, how about your car?
235
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:34,760
And your shoes?
236
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,761
Okay.
237
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,764
Can you give me a ride home?
238
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:40,266
[SNORTS]
239
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,767
At the risk of sounding critical
240
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,769
a little jogging wouldn't hurt you.
241
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,271
You're right.
242
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:46,272
See you tomorrow.
243
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:48,774
You're suffocating me, Alice.
244
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:52,278
How come you gave Bob your car?
245
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:53,279
Stop it.
246
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,280
Just stop it, Dilbert.
247
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,781
I've had just about enough
248
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283
of you trashing Bob Bastard.
249
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,284
He is not a bad man.
250
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,785
Well, he is,
251
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,287
but that's what makes him so sexy.
252
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,292
I'm sorry, Alice, but he's the embodiment
253
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:08,794
of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world.
254
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,297
Just because it's written on a bathroom wall
255
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,798
doesn't mean it's true.
256
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,300
He wrote it.
257
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,303
Hey, babe, how about lending me a five?
258
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,304
Sure.
259
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,806
Works every time.
260
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,314
MAN: Oh, sure.
261
00:12:28,314 --> 00:12:29,315
We've been in touch
262
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,317
with advanced alien civilizations for years.
263
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,818
They've opened their laboratories to us--
264
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:36,322
Any technology we want.
265
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,324
Hi. Hey, how you doing?
266
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:39,325
[PHONE RINGING]
267
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:40,826
Excuse me.
268
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:42,328
Yes?
269
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,829
Dogbert, it's me.
270
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:44,830
Me, who?
271
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,332
Me!
272
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,833
Look, this isn't a very good time.
273
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,335
I'm learning all the secrets of the universe.
274
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:50,336
Hey, guys.
275
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,337
Could you keep it down?
276
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,838
I'm on long distance.
277
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:53,839
Well, here's one for you.
278
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:54,840
Why do women see the fact
279
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,342
That I'm kind, sensitive and caring
280
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,843
As some sort of weakness?
281
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,345
Hey, Dogbert, you want to see
282
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:00,846
where Gene Roddenberry is?
283
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348
Maybe later, fellas.
284
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:04,850
It's merely a function of cultural conditioning--
285
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:07,353
That, and the fact that you look like
286
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,355
the illegitimate child of Bill Gates
287
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,357
and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
288
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,858
Oh, that's a good one.
289
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,360
That was cold.
290
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:22,368
Do you... have a moment?
291
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
I don't know. Have you heard something?
292
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,872
I need to talk to someone and...
293
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,375
Believe me, NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND.
294
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,876
Oh, well, in that case...
295
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:31,877
I'll be heading out.
296
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,379
It's kind of important.
297
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:34,880
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
298
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,882
Anyway, the reason I called you in here
299
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,885
Is I can't decide which of these lovely portraits
300
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:42,388
to keep on my desk and which to hang over my bed.
301
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,889
What do you think?
302
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,393
The I'm-a-free-spirit-
303
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,395
who-blows-with-the-wind Bob Bastard
304
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,897
Or the I'm-a-sadistic-nightmare-
305
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:55,401
who-will-watch-over-you- as-you-sleep Bob Bastard?
306
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:58,404
I sort of like... the first one.
307
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,405
Really?
308
00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:01,907
Well, thanks for coming in, Dilbert.
309
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:03,909
But I... I really need
310
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:06,412
some time to myself, to think... and meditate.
311
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913
[SNORING]
312
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,421
[SLURPING]
313
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:24,930
[SLURPING]
314
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,436
Is there something I can help you with?
315
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:33,939
How did you end up such a sadistic Bastard anyway?
316
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:36,942
Part of it has to do with the name, but...
317
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:41,947
But there's more.
318
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:44,950
I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man
319
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,952
you see before you.
320
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,955
I was born Robert Childbornoutofwedlock.
321
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
It's Icelandic.
322
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,958
But my parents changed it
323
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,460
to Bastard when I was three.
324
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:57,963
There was a time when my peers considered me
325
00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:01,467
a courteous and affable test engineer.
326
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,475
Hey, Karen, you...
327
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,477
You Xeroxing something?
328
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,978
Doofus.
329
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,480
Thanks. I was wondering...
330
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,981
[CLEARS THROAT]
331
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983
If you're not busy after work, do you want to go see
332
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,985
Escape from the Planet of the Apes?
333
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,488
You're ASKING ME OUT?
334
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,490
[LAUGHING]
335
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,992
BOB: And as if that wasn't painful enough,
336
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,494
she told all her friends!
337
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,496
[LAUGHING]
338
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
339
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,010
[SCREAMING]
340
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,513
I told you not to leave that there.
341
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,014
Bob: I was devastated.
342
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,017
And the world has never been the same.
343
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:55,521
Somehow, shattering people's hopes and dreams
344
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,523
felt good!
345
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,024
It felt right...
346
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,527
And it wasn't without its perks.
347
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Hey, Bob.
348
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,030
I'm having a Planet of the Apes MARATHON
349
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,532
over at my house.
350
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,533
Care to join us?
351
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:08,534
Oh, yeah?
352
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,035
Who's going to be there?
353
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,537
Just me and a girlfriend
354
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:14,039
who's very open to experimentation.
355
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,541
BOB: As you can see
356
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,543
I'm simply the victim of society.
357
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,544
I can't escape
358
00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:22,548
who I am any more than I can escape my shadow.
359
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,052
[SLURPING]
360
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:32,057
ALICE: I hate slurping.
361
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:34,560
[ ECHOING] I hate slurping... slurping...
362
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,562
slurping... slurping... slurping...
363
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:39,064
I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time.
364
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,066
See you at the test site.
365
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:42,568
Bring your safety goggles.
366
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,570
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
367
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,574
Look, I've worked very hard
368
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,576
seeing The Gruntmaster 6000
369
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,578
through to this final phase of testing
370
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,581
and I just want to say how proud I am of myself.
371
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:58,584
Now, if we can just get rid of that junk on the field
372
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,586
maybe we can start the tests.
373
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,088
Uh, that's The Gruntmaster 6000.
374
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:04,089
Really?
375
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,090
It's so big.
376
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:08,093
Welcome to the final round of testing
377
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:11,597
and the demise of The Gruntmaster 6000.
378
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:19,605
Here you go, Bob.
379
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,107
You'll want this for the trip.
380
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,610
Tonight's test will be...
381
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:27,613
The asteroid crash simulation test.
382
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:28,614
Oh.
383
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,120
Just out of curiosity,
384
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,123
how often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
385
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,125
A comet hit my Stairmaster.
386
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,128
That's why I don't exercise anymore.
387
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:14,660
WOMAN: Please deposit $400,575.20 now.
388
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,161
[CHANGE JINGLING]
389
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663
[PHONE RINGING]
390
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:18,664
What?
391
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:21,667
Dogbert, an asteroid is hurtling towards earth.
392
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,168
And that would affect me how?
393
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,170
It's Bob Bastard's final test.
394
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,672
It's aimed at The Gruntmaster.
395
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:29,675
In a few minutes, the prototype will be destroyed
396
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:32,177
along with any chance of me being happy.
397
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:34,179
There's a lot about you IN THIS STORY.
398
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,681
Help me.
399
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,183
In a minute.
400
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:54,700
[TRAFFIC NOISES]
401
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,703
Please, God, help me crack this safe.
402
00:18:57,703 --> 00:19:00,706
DOGBERT: Okay. Let's see...
403
00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,213
Hmm...
404
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,715
Maybe a...
405
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,717
Hair to the left.
406
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,219
You won't even feel the laser on your cornea.
407
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,224
Now, that is embarrassing.
408
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,226
Okay. It's sited.
409
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:24,229
Now, where is that asteroid?
410
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242
[LAUGHING]
411
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,243
We did it!
412
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,745
We're home free!
413
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,248
When you take the bandages off
414
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:44,750
Don't rip them off
415
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,752
or he'll turn into a charred skeleton.
416
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:52,758
Someday, I'll look back at this and laugh.
417
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,760
Yes, I'm leasing now.
418
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,762
Now, it's safe...
419
00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:57,763
Snug as a bug.
420
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,768
When you want something done
421
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,770
you have to do it yourself.
422
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,773
Operate manual overdrive.
423
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,775
I was afraid of that.
424
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,276
Let's see...
425
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,779
I need to push the prototype about ten feet
426
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:15,781
to get it out of the target zone.
427
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,282
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
428
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:19,785
[GRUNTS]
429
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,289
Let's rock.
430
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:26,792
Alice, help me push this thing.
431
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,293
Are you nuts?
432
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,294
Bob would kill...
433
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,296
I mean, he wouldn't like that.
434
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,298
[SLURPING]
435
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,299
Dilbert!
436
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,300
It wasn't me.
437
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802
Look!
438
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,803
[SLURPING]
439
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,307
Slurping gives me such great pleasure
440
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:45,310
and the fact that Alice hates it arouses me.
441
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,312
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
442
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:49,815
Bastard.
443
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:50,816
Now, will you
444
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:51,817
Help me push this thing?
445
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:52,818
[GRUNTS]
446
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:53,819
Ooh.
447
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,821
BOB: Whoo-hoo!
448
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,824
Oh, pooh.
449
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:08,834
It would be wrong
450
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,836
to simply stamp the prototype "approved" now.
451
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,341
[YELLING]
452
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,342
[PANTING]
453
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,343
[SIGHING]
454
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:23,348
I have got to get me one of these space shuttles.
455
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:26,351
I just had the darned thing washed.
456
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:34,860
Don't worry, guys.
457
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,362
I won't say a word about the immortality serum.
458
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:39,865
So, you're welcome.
459
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,366
Thanks, Dogbert.
460
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,868
You really bailed me out.
461
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,871
Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me
462
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,873
if you weren't you and I wasn't me
463
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:50,375
and everything was completely different.
464
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,377
Hey, Bob, how's it going?
465
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:53,378
Shut up!
466
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:54,379
Bob?
467
00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:55,380
Bob?
468
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:56,882
Yes, Alice?
469
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:59,384
ALICE: Where's my car?!
470
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:09,895
[music]
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