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[music]
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Mmm, do you think
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normal people pack suitcases this way?
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I'm an engineer, not a normal person.
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That's a lot of clothes
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just to visit a sweatshop in Elbonia.
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It's not a sweatshop.
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It's our overseas
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manufacturing facility.
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Look at the company newsletter.
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See? They're all smiling.
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And your assignment is to make them stop?
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If you must know, my team's being sent there
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to oversee quality control
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on the production of my pride and joy:
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The Gruntmaster 6000.
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Well, while you're there, maybe you can help them
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develop a written language.
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You're living in the past, my furry friend.
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Capitalism has transformed Elbonia.
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The economy is burgeoning.
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Nothing like slave labor
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to perk up the economy.
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They're making many advances.
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For instance, did you realize
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The leading cause of death in Elbonia
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is no longer black plague.
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Oh, really?
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What is?
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Here we go-- it's... "self-inflicted gunshot wounds"?
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Must be a typo.
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[BANGING]
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Excuse me.
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What are you doing?
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I'm rattling the cans.
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People expect it.
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Can I ask you a question?
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As long as it's refuse-related.
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Oh, it is-- what are the odds
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that Dilbert can visit a factory in Elbonia
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and return alive?
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Oh, I'd say 73- to-one against.
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90-to-one if he flies on Elbonia Airlines.
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300-to-one if he uses
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the bathroom in the plane.
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That's about what I figured.
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Dilbert's only hope is to remain objective
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and ignore the plight of the Elbonian people.
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If he or any member of his team gets involved
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in their internal affairs or culture...
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Well, I'd rather not think about it.
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That's a problem-- he likes to fix things.
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Well, in that case, he'll need the help
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of someone who's incapable of sympathy.
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Someone so cynical that the suffering of others
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is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
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All right, I'll go.
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I have something that might help you.
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Here.
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By the way, what's the weather like
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in Elbonia this time of year?
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Why are you so suddenly interested in Elbonia?
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Oh, I have my reasons.
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Hmm... a license to kill.
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It's better-- you can steal too.
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[EXPLOSION]
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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[SHAKY AUDIO] Elbonians enjoy skiing all year round
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Except when they're sipping hot toddies
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at the chalet.
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Cheers.
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Then it's "surf's up!"
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Along one of Elbonia's many pristine beaches.
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Awesome, dude!
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You'll find five of the seven great wonders of the world
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all within easy access
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by shuttle bus.
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And when you're done
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The whole family can relax
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at our world-famous casinos.
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And don't forget mud wrestling.
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Hey, no fighting dirty!
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In Elbonia, we never close.
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And so, from sunny, snowy, culturally-enriched Elbonia,
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we bid you ta-ta--
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That's Elbonian for "ta-ta."
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How the heck does this thing work?
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Where's the needle?
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There is no needle.
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No wonder I can't turn it off.
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[RINGING]
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Yes?
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He's not here.
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Was it for me? No.
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Are you sure Elbonia is the best place
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to take my vacation?
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Have I ever lied to you?
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And later been detected?
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When I went to Mexico, you told me to drink
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as much of the water as I could.
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That's the exception that proves the rule.
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Is that WHAT THAT IS?
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I'll book your flight to Elbonia.
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Thank you.
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When you get there
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remember to wear lots of jewelry
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and walk around alone at night.
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Isn't this exciting?
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I said,
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isn't this exciting?
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I couldn't hear you.
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I was listening to the audio program,
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"The Sound of Screaming."
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[SCREAMING]
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I don't know why it takes three of us
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to inspect one Elbonian factory.
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We're a team.
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Besides, I thought you liked
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getting out of the office.
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You don't know me as well as you think.
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This is the first time I've ever flown first class.
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Kind of spoils you.
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I feel sorry
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for those people in coach.
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I wonder what the movie is.
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That is our notorious
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prison of no escape.
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And that is our world-famous health spa.
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I don't know why
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But I feel a mystical connection to this place.
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Mmm, mud pie. Good.
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The mud is calling me.
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I'll see you later.
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[LAUGHING]
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We're here.
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Where?
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Welcome to the Hotel Elbonia.
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Sorry, you can't park there.
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Diplomatic immunity, my friend.
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Now tear up the ticket.
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Now eat it.
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Now regurgitate it.
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Good.
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Wow. Just because you're a diplomat
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you can park anywhere you want?
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That's nothing. Watch this.
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Gun.
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Now dance for your diplomat. Dance!
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Now Riverdance.
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How did you become the diplomat to Elbonia?
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I was the only one
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who applied for the job.
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This isn't exactly Monaco.
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Diplomatic immunity.
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MAN:, With all due respect
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the natives in my country
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are a primitive and superstitious people.
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They believe that every time you take their picture
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you take their soul.
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Gotcha. Smile!
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Aah! What did I just tell you?!
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Hey, hi.
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What an odd- looking people.
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It's US... FROM work.
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Remember?
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If only I spoke your language.
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Do you know where the pool is?
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The pool?
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Swimmy, swimmy?
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Ignorant wogs.
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DILBERT: Wow...
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The Gruntmaster 6000.
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MAN: That's the first one off the assembly line.
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My prototype.
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[MOANING WITH PLEASURE]
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And this is where
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we house the generators that power the factory.
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As you can see,
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incentive programs motivate our workers
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to put forth their best efforts.
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Why don't they get off the bicycles and walk around
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to get the pork chop?
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Shut up! That's crazy talk!
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Don't listen to her!
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These working conditions are appalling!
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Our appalling working conditions
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are second to none.
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And over here
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is where the main housing for The Gruntmaster is forged.
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Shouldn't there be a guardrail around that?
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Guardrail?
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[LAUGHING]
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What is this, an amusement park?
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Hey, you stupid, lazy Lefties,
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show's over-- back to work.
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Lefties?
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Yes, of course--
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That's all they're good for.
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If it wasn't for the Right Man
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these Lefties would have nothing.
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They'd still be sitting in the mud.
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Right people founded this country.
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We built this country up from small mud hole
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to a gigantic mud hole!
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We made this country what it is.
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God bless Right Elbonia!
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So where do all the Right people work?
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In management.
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And this is where The Gruntmaster
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is actually assembled.
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As you can see, our daycare facilities are second to none.
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You can't put babies to work on an assembly line!
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These are not babies.
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They're toddlers.
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Oh...
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You're coming home with me.
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I didn't know you wanted children, Alice.
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I didn't, until this moment.
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How about now?
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Are those people dead?
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Technically, yes.
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But that's no excuse!
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Get to work, you lazy corpse.
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I've never seen anything so barbaric.
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How can the Lefties tolerate it?
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We have an excellent benefits plan.
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Like what?
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If you die, you get time off to attend your funeral.
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That's it?
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And the salary of five Grubnicks a month.
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That's less than a penny.
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I beg your pardon.
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It's MUCH less than a penny.
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Our motto is that work is its own reward.
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Heyaa!
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Here you go, little fella.
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Open wide.
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[CHUCKLING]
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We've got to do something
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about the factory conditions.
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I'd love to help
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but I've got a baby to take care of.
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All right, I just don't want to, okay?
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So as I was saying, Your Excellency,
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we're very proud
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to have The Gruntmaster built in Elbonia,
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but the working conditions in the factory are abysmal.
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A what?
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Abysmal.
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I've never heard of that word.
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Unconscionable? No.
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Heinous?
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Mm-mm.
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What?
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You seem to lean left, my friend.
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[GUNS COCKING]
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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Check, please?
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The ancient burial lumps are closed.
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I'm not here for the tour.
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I'm looting.
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Diplomatic immunity.
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Oh.
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Have a nice day.
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I can't believe no one wanted this job.
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It rained for 40 days and 40 nights,
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and then, naturally, there was a ton of mud.
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And that's the story of Noah's mud.
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Tomorrow, Adam and Eve
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and the Garden of Mud.
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Wally, I need your help.
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Old helpful Wally doesn't exist anymore, Dilbert.
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This is my life now, Dilbert.
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I am one with the mud.
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I am THE MUD.
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The mud is me.
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I'm naked and I'm muddy
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and I'm Wally, and it's all the same.
279
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:23,369
From mud I came and to mud I have returned.
280
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,870
You came from mud?
281
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,872
I don't know. Whatever.
282
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:28,874
Wally, you can't spend your life in the mud.
283
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,877
Surrender to the Elbonian mud, Dilbert.
284
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:35,381
There's no right and wrong, just shades of brown.
285
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,386
Have you filled out the forms?
286
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,887
Yes.
287
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:46,892
Uh-oh.
288
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:47,893
What?
289
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,895
It says here, that you are right-handed.
290
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,897
So? The official Elbonian
291
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:55,401
adoption policy does not permit mixed-arm-preference adoptions.
292
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,902
It is not fair to the child.
293
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:58,404
I switch hit in softball.
294
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,406
Let's hope that's enough.
295
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,910
Now, fill these out.
296
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,424
Hi.
297
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:19,925
Don't mind me.
298
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,928
We are the Elbonian Left-handed Liberation Front
299
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,430
and slow-pitch softball team.
300
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:25,931
Maybe we should talk.
301
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:27,933
I think that's what we're doing.
302
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,936
I mean we should talk about your working conditions.
303
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,938
We can talk during the break.
304
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:33,939
When's that?
305
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:36,942
There it is.
306
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,444
How can you work like this?
307
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:39,445
Why don't you demand
308
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,946
better working conditions?
309
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,448
What can we do?
310
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:44,950
The world is stacked against the left-handed people.
311
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,452
The books are right-handed.
312
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,953
The staplers are right-handed.
313
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:49,455
The desks, tape, bottles, phones.
314
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,956
I'm pretty sure you can use
315
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,958
any of those things with either hand.
316
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,960
That's what they want you to think.
317
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,462
If you're going to change anything
318
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,463
you're gonna have to organize.
319
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,466
Now you've lost us.
320
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:01,467
You know, form a Union.
321
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,469
It's called collective bargaining.
322
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:04,970
If your demands aren't met, you...
323
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,472
Forget about them?
324
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:08,474
No, you strike.
325
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,976
You refuse to work until you get better conditions.
326
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,481
We'll do it.
327
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:18,484
We'll follow your leadership and strike.
328
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,985
And when the Righties execute you,
329
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,987
we will make small plastic statues
330
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:23,489
in your likeness.
331
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:24,490
Look at 'em.
332
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:25,491
Look at 'em slaving away
333
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:26,992
like pack mules.
334
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,494
This'll make a great shot.
335
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,995
Hey! Everybody!
336
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:30,996
Wave at the camera!
337
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,008
Okay!
338
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,511
You know, I'm standing right in front of you.
339
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:48,514
Okay, here's my final offer.
340
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,015
Designated smoke breaks
341
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:52,017
for anyone who catches fire.
342
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:53,519
Take it or leave it.
343
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,020
That's an insult.
344
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:57,523
These people are dedicated, committed, serious.
345
00:15:57,523 --> 00:15:59,024
They're not going to cave in
346
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,527
no matter how much pressure is brought to bear.
347
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:04,530
They will not return to work until their demands are met.
348
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,031
Arrest him!
349
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:09,034
Okay, back to work.
350
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:15,040
You will be read your rights,
351
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,542
given a fair trial,
352
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,043
then executed.
353
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,044
On second thought,
354
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:21,547
since we have no rights and we have no courts,
355
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,549
let's go to the execution. Bob?
356
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,551
Yes, excellency.
357
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,052
They're ready.
358
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,053
They aim...
359
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:29,054
Fire.
360
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,068
The execution of Dilbert will continue
361
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:45,571
[GROANING] after these messages.
362
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,574
Hello, every day Elbonian babies go completely unshaven
363
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,076
simply because they are left-handed.
364
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,578
Won't you please... stop it!
365
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,581
Stop it!
366
00:16:55,581 --> 00:16:56,582
Cute, aren't they?
367
00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:01,086
For only one Grubnick a day--
368
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:02,087
Let me see that.
369
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,089
There! Now, it's gone forever.
370
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,595
[SIGHS]
371
00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:10,596
That's it!
372
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:12,097
You're on your own!
373
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:15,601
ANNOUNCER: Um, send your Grubnicks to:
374
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,102
Shave the Children P.O. Box 6, Elbonia.
375
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:19,104
Remember, a child is...
376
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:21,306
ALICE: Ah, shut up!
377
00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:24,610
The old ways are the best ways.
378
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:28,113
Okay, Dilbert, this time we're ready for you.
379
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:29,114
No tricks.
380
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,617
No one survives
381
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,118
the giant mudball.
382
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,620
I did.
383
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,621
Shut up.
384
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:36,622
Move it.
385
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,123
Out of the way.
386
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,124
Diplomat coming.
387
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,626
License to kill.
388
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,128
"Diplomatic immunity."
389
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:44,129
That's right.
390
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,631
Now, give me your clothes.
391
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:46,632
Damn.
392
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,634
As the new dictator of Elbonia
393
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:51,637
I've decided to make a few changes around here,
394
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,639
and make no mistake about it,
395
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,641
these ARE changes for change sake.
396
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,142
He's free, and all
397
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:58,143
the workers' demands
398
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,145
are hereby met.
399
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:01,647
Hooray.
400
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,652
Yah!
401
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,654
We're free! Free at last!
402
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,155
Ah, sweet freedom!
403
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,667
Good to see you.
404
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,669
Come right in.
405
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,671
Right this way.
406
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,172
Hi, welcome.
407
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,174
Come on in. Good to...
408
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,681
Hey, what's going on?
409
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,182
Why's everyone leaving?
410
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,183
You just got here.
411
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,685
The factory's automated.
412
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,686
They don't need us now.
413
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,187
We've been down-sized.
414
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:43,188
To how many?
415
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:44,189
One.
416
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,693
Um...
417
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:50,195
Can somebody show me how to work this thing?!
418
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,700
And then lot's wife looked back and... ZAP.
419
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,702
She turned into a pile of mud.
420
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,704
The man is a genius, a visionary.
421
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,706
I have to get a picture.
422
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:01,707
Say cheese.
423
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:05,711
That's a keeper.
424
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,229
Thank you for saving my life--
425
00:19:24,229 --> 00:19:25,731
Even though it wasn't in danger.
426
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,232
I just couldn't picture you
427
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,234
as the official martyr of Elbonia.
428
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,236
I was only trying to do the right thing.
429
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:34,239
A misguided exercise at best.
430
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241
What are you doing?
431
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,743
I'm taking the mud.
432
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,244
Why?
433
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:40,746
Because I've taken everything else.
434
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:41,747
That's cruel.
435
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:42,748
No, that's diplomacy.
436
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,249
Let my friend Henry, here
437
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,751
explain it to you.
438
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:46,752
Hello, Dilbert.
439
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,754
In the world of realpolitik
440
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,756
you must see that the infrastructure
441
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,257
of Elbonia was built on mud.
442
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:56,261
In a global economy, this is the equivalent of economic suicide.
443
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,764
Thus, in order to save Elbonia
444
00:19:58,764 --> 00:20:00,265
it must be de-mudded.
445
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:02,768
Dogbert was doing the only logical thing.
446
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:03,769
Oh, of course.
447
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,270
Now I see.
448
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:06,271
You do?
449
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,272
Yes.
450
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,273
I don't even know
451
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,775
what I'm talking about,
452
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,277
but for some reason it drives the chicks wild
453
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,278
when I talk this way.
454
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,282
O great mudman.
455
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,784
How do you explain this?
456
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,285
Is it a sign from above?
457
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:22,287
More like a sign from below.
458
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,791
Freakin' little mud boy.
459
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,795
Here I am buying trinkets
460
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797
from one of the native merchants.
461
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:34,299
Here I am relaxing by the pool
462
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:35,801
with some of the natives.
463
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,302
Here I am flying home, accompanied
464
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:40,305
By a group of vacationing Elbonians.
465
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:43,308
And here I am back at work.
466
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,812
By the way, I'm pleased to announce that the production
467
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:49,314
of The Gruntmaster in Elbonia
468
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,316
has far exceeded our expectations.
469
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:53,819
We can officially now classify Elbonia
470
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:57,823
no longer a poverty-stricken fourth-world country, but...
471
00:20:57,823 --> 00:21:02,327
a poverty-stricken three- and-three-quarter world country.
472
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:09,835
It is my fervent hope to someday visit this exotic land.
473
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:10,836
Oi...
474
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:15,340
Hello, I'm Dogbert.
475
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,341
And welcome to Las Elbonia;
476
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,343
where gambling and prostitution
477
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,345
isn't just legal-- It's mandatory
478
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,848
And this week only at the Caesar's Elbonia--
479
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:27,352
The song stylings of Henry Kissinger.
480
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:30,856
music Viva Las Elbonia music
481
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:34,359
music Viva Las Elbonia music
482
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:39,865
music Viva Viva Las Elbonia music
483
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,366
Yee-ha!
484
00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:42,367
Hiya!
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