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Welcome to ENGLISH FOR MANAGERS, TAPE ONE.
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Listen and repeat.
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Tape one. Listen and repeat.
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We will enable timely, knowledge-based decision-making
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based on real-time information
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by implementing an enterprise resource management system.
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We will entangle timid, college-based precision markets
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based on full-time repudiation
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by instigating a... something, something. Whatever.
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Very good.
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Really?
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I thought I missed a word.
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They say they're slow, but they're not.
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[EXPLOSION]
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[music]
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[CHANTING]
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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I just want to take this opportunity
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to thank you all
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for participating
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in our company's mandatory blood drive.
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You really are the life blood OF THIS COMPANY.
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[CHUCKLES]
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[LISTLESS CHUCKLES]
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[LOUD LAUGHTER]
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Oh.
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Rose, you are like
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the fresh dew on a morning flower.
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My heart yearns for you.
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Your soft skin.
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Your triangle hair.
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Your lips
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like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other.
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Death row is a lonely place, my precious.
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The only things to occupy the empty hours
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are thoughts of you
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and the contraband I have hidden in my colon.
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My dying wish, Alice, is for your hand in marriage.
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That is so romantic.
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All my love, Vince.
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P.S. Please respond before next Friday at noon.
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What if I don't have any extra blood?
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Maybe I only have exactly enough.
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Everyone has extra blood.
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It doesn't matter anyway.
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You'll never get past the screening process.
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I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions.
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Please leave the auditorium
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if any of the following apply to you.
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"Are you now or have you ever been... Wally?"
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Yes. First one out.
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Repeat.
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The disconnects between gross margin and leverage
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will be harnessed for commercial ventures.
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The discotheques between gross margarine and beverages
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will be harmless to your dentures.
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Very good.
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[CHORTLING]
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Now close your eyes
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and visualize each word as you say it.
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Imagine the word "vision."
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Try to see it in your mind.
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Is it black?
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Have you gotten any tattoos in the last six months?
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Have you had intimate physical relations with anyone
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in the past 10 years?
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Not really,
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but I'm trying to build a reputation.
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With your eyes still closed,
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imagine a picture
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that corresponds with the phrase
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"a commitment to synergy."
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I see it. It's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck,
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or is it a beaver?
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Can you get a clean shot at his tires?
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I think I can hit the spare tire in the back.
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Wait.
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He stopped.
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music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall music
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music Infinity bottles of beer music
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music If one of those bottles Should happen to fall music
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music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall... music
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Come on! I can't take
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Another four hours of this.
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Go! Go! Go!
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music Infinity bottles of beer on the wall... music
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Will you just shut up?
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You have infinite beer on the wall, okay?
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It will never be fewer.
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Now put your hands out to your sides
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and wave them, slowly.
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Can you imagine if something
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were to happen to this bus, Helmut?
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The sciences of physics, chemistry,
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mathematics and medicine
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are wiped out in a stroke.
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And economics.
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Economics is not a science and never will be!
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He's waving us on.
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Finally.
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All units.
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He's heading for a large business campus.
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Prepare to intercept.
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Are you telling me
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you haven't done anything on this list?
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I've been very busy.
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All right, roll up your sleeve.
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Whoo.
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Isn't that the fifth bag?
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We got a quota.
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Can I have a cookie?
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No, I ate them while you were bleeding.
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All right, sharpshooters.
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If you get a clear shot,
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take it.
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Uh... there's people in the way.
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Aw, shoot.
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[GUNFIRE]
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Aw, shoot.
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[GUNFIRE]
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I've got to get me a new swear word.
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The vehicle had no registration or plates
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so we're hoping someone saw him.
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Why would a vehicle need
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registration and plates?
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I'm just the sketch artist.
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Oh, a specialist.
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Well, I didn't exactly see the guy,
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but from what I heard on the radio
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I've got a pretty good idea
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of what he looks like.
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Can you describe him for me?
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I could, but I'm extremely busy.
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Wally!
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Uh, I can't work too hard.
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I almost gave blood today.
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I want you to describe to these officers
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the man I heard about
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on the radio this morning.
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What?
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Be as specific as you can.
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Don't leave out anything.
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All right. I'll tell them everything you know.
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[CHUCKLING]
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These remind me of water balloons, except...
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filled with blood.
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Put that down.
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It looks like
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you have some extras.
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All right, one bag,
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but let me show you how to do it.
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This psycho must have left a blood trail.
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I want you to comb every inch of this area
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for the killer's DNA.
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Maybe we'll get lucky.
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And don't let this crime scene
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get contaminated.
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[BOTH LAUGHING]
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Good one, huh?
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Nice shooting, yourself.
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Well, thank you.
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Driving without blood is surprisingly difficult.
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[SIRENS]
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Sir, how many drinks have you had this evening?
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Nothing. I couldn't even get a cookie,
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then a lady took all of my blood.
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Okay, buddy, count backward from 100
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using only prime numbers.
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97, 89, 83, 79, 73, 71...
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Okay. No one likes a wiseass.
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Get out of the car.
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Attention all units. Attention all units.
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Positive DNA match has been made
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on the Nobel prize slaughter.
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The suspect is Caucasian,
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wearing glasses, in laughably bad shape,
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and answers to the name "Dilbert."
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Hey. That's me.
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WOMAN: So with the Nobel prize killer
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safely behind bars
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looking at a swift execution
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once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over
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and everyone associated with the case long dead,
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strange men with incomprehensible theories
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that can't be proven
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can once again breathe a sigh of relief.
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Mr. and Mrs. Fennerman?
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Hi, I'm Alice.
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I'm engaged to your son, Vince.
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It is so nice to meet you, darling.
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Here, do you need a sign?
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That's okay. I have my own.
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I don't understand.
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Aren't you two getting married?
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Yes.
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We're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
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Mark my words...
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this marriage will never last.
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Wow!
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This cell is huge.
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Sorry about the internet connection.
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There's an internet connection?
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Your cable modem's in the shop.
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We're running you through the T-One until it gets back.
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What's this?
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Fan mail.
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Probably a few marriage proposals.
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For me?
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Marriage proposals?
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You're in for murder, right?
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That's an aphrodisiac for the fairer sex.
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You know, I'm actually innocent.
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I wouldn't let that slip out.
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Excuse me-- how did you decide
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that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar?
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Well... I was hungry.
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First of all,
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you should never barter on an empty stomach.
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Second, this is much too inefficient.
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So, everything used for barter
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could be valued at a constant rate
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relative to everything else.
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For instance, a shampoo bottle of home-made gin
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is equal to a clean toothbrush,
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which is also equivalent
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to an eight-ounce bar of chocolate
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or five cigarettes.
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Any questions?
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Okay, one might wonder
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what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity,
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say chocolate,
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causes a relative glut of another more durable item
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such as erotic literature.
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Anyone?
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Yes?
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We carve a potato into the shape of a gun
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and cover it with shoe polish?
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You could do that.
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Or wait for the market to automatically adjust
240
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to take into account the commodity imbalance,
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thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stability.
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You can do all that without a potato?
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Ay!
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Chocolate at two-and-a-half cigarettes!
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Chocolate at two-and-a-half!
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Over here, Victoria's Secret.
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Desserts, desserts!
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I got Victoria's Secret.
249
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How about 8-N-G-Y-4-3-2?
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Let me check.
251
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Boys! Boys!
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You're sitting on a gold mine here.
253
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Do you realize the license plate business
254
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is a growth industry and a legal monopoly?
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By automating your order flow and assembly process,
256
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you'll increase productivity and reduce costs.
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The guy who had this job before didn't train me.
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Dead man walking!
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Down the aisle.
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PRIEST: We are gathered here today
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to join two souls in holy matrimony
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and to damn one of them to eternal hellfire.
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I understand that you two have written your own vows.
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Vince, who would've thought 10 years ago
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that a grisly mass murder
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would lead to such a blissful union?
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You are my heart. You are my soul.
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You make living worthwhile.
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I look forward to spending
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the next 45 seconds as your loving wife.
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Vince?
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I didn't do it!
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Oh, for the love of God!
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Please don't kill me!
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[CRYING AND SCREAMING]
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Uh... right.
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Okay.
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By the authority vested in me
279
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,895
by the state correctional facility,
280
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,897
I pronounce you man and wife.
281
00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:53,399
You may now insert the gag.
282
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,403
You're making a big mistake!
283
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,904
I didn't! I didn't!
284
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,906
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
285
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,411
MAN: it is an incredible book,
286
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:06,412
Mr. Dogbert.
287
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:08,914
Thanks. It took me all morning to write it.
288
00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:10,916
It's the ending that bothers me.
289
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,419
It would be better if this Dilbert fellow
290
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,920
gets set free at the last minute,
291
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,423
instead of flaming like a marshmallow.
292
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,425
How much better would it be?
293
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,427
Mmm, about $3 million in movie rights.
294
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,429
I'll talk to the supreme court.
295
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,935
Ugh! There are just no good convicts out there!
296
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,437
That one's cute.
297
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,939
Cute, yes, but he's got a damn good appeal pending.
298
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,441
I read the brief.
299
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,942
Oh, you can't tell anything
300
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,444
from a picture, anyway.
301
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,446
In my high school yearbook, I didn't even look attractive.
302
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,449
Maybe we should go visit Dilbert.
303
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,451
Check the place out.
304
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:48,454
That sounds like it involves leaving work.
305
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,955
I'll drive.
306
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
I couldn't help overhearing you
307
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,958
while I was eavesdropping.
308
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,460
Do you mind if I go with you
309
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,462
to stare at the miserable miscreant?
310
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:58,964
Uh, there's no room in my car.
311
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:00,966
It's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide.
312
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:02,468
That's not good.
313
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:03,969
I'll drive my own car.
314
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,971
Can you give me directions?
315
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,473
Yes. Yes, I can.
316
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,483
Who's that?
317
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,484
He's an axe murderer.
318
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,486
Ooh, the outdoor type.
319
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:21,987
Let me talk to Wally.
320
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:24,990
Put in a good word for me in C block.
321
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,492
Hey, Dilbert! Looking good.
322
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,994
All that hard manual labor's paying off.
323
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,496
Actually, there is no hard labor.
324
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:32,498
I have all day to think, to exercise,
325
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,999
and to work on my own projects.
326
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:36,502
I barely have to do anything if I don't want to.
327
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,504
Mmm, but it's lonely, right?
328
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,505
Hardly.
329
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:41,006
Wally, this week alone
330
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:43,509
I've received over 100 marriage proposals.
331
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,511
Boy, is my values system all screwed up.
332
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:50,516
There it is, bars and all--
333
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,017
the big house.
334
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:01,527
Okay, next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing.
335
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Thank you.
336
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,531
I am pleased to report that since we instituted
337
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,032
the battle recycling program,
338
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,034
the number of pointy objects
339
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,536
available to the prison population
340
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,537
has tripled.
341
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:13,038
[APPLAUSE]
342
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,540
Good work.
343
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,041
Um, Bobby G., you're up.
344
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:19,044
I just prepared this memo on the new production quotas.
345
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:21,046
As you can see,
346
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,049
all the inmates are participating in the prison 401-K.
347
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,051
Considering the average inmate's salary
348
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,052
is 18 cents a day,
349
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:29,555
at maturity, this amounts to a retirement package
350
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:31,557
of approximately $34.
351
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,059
Well, let's see if we can't supplement that
352
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:36,061
with some of the souvenir sales.
353
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,063
All right, is there any new business?
354
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,566
I think we should probably discuss the status
355
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:43,569
of the escape plan and the progress of the tunnel.
356
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:44,570
All right.
357
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:48,073
Using two shifts round the clock and a teaspoon,
358
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,576
we have dug approximately... three feet.
359
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,578
At this rate of excavation,
360
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,080
we estimate the tunnel will be completed
361
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,582
some time in the year 2125.
362
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,584
And when is the escape currently scheduled?
363
00:16:58,584 --> 00:16:59,585
Tuesday.
364
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,587
Okay.
365
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:02,588
I've done some calculations
366
00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:05,591
along with a preliminary geological survey and-- Tony?
367
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,594
Shirt.
368
00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,596
The bearing wall is made of basalt.
369
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,599
Basalt is among the most dense of igneous rocks.
370
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:16,602
Now, if we drop down approximately 10 meters,
371
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,104
the composition of the bordering wall
372
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:22,608
becomes limestone, a very spoon-friendly material.
373
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,611
Now, I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon,
374
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:28,113
but it's going to cost four million candy bars.
375
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115
Eh, no problem.
376
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,117
Did you know
377
00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:34,620
that I'm the only one in my bridge club
378
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,622
with a son on death row?
379
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,124
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, Mom.
380
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,626
Disappointment?!
381
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,629
Everyone asks about you; you're on the news.
382
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,631
I used to get blank stares
383
00:17:45,631 --> 00:17:48,133
when I told people you were an engineer,
384
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:51,136
but murderer, that gets people's respect.
385
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,639
You could be a little DISAPPOINTED.
386
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,141
Let's see, "Bank robbery, 10 to 15 years...
387
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,644
Kidnapping..." ooh, "20 to life."
388
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,145
Not too shabby.
389
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,147
"Frotteurism:
390
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:04,149
"the crime of rubbing up against people
391
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,651
in crowded public places."
392
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,153
When did they make that illegal?
393
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,658
JUDGE: Dogbert, always a pleasure.
394
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:15,160
Why don't you come to the meetings anymore?
395
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,664
I'm not actually a member of the supreme court.
396
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:19,665
Really?
397
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:23,669
Now I feel bad about letting you write all those decisions.
398
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:24,670
I didn't mind.
399
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:26,171
What brings you in today?
400
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,173
I want you to overturn the conviction
401
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,175
of a guilty murderer named Dilbert.
402
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,678
If you don't mind, I'll just write up your decision
403
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,680
and sign all your names to it.
404
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,182
Okay, but make me sound indignant.
405
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:40,185
And throw something in there about fairness.
406
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,186
Do you want a copy?
407
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,689
I don't see when I'd ever read it.
408
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,190
Today, my friends,
409
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,193
marks the dawning of a new era.
410
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:49,695
Today, we proved
411
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:52,197
that with vigor, discipline, and a little...
412
00:18:52,197 --> 00:18:54,199
[ALL YELLING]
413
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,711
I guess it works.
414
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,225
What's your NAME?
415
00:19:22,227 --> 00:19:26,231
Good Lord, man, what's happened to you in there?
416
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:28,734
Okay, time to go, Dilbert.
417
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:31,236
But they're coming back... aren't they?
418
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:34,239
Probably. The recidivism rate is very high.
419
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241
Did they ever find the real killer?
420
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,744
Funny thing, right after I got you off,
421
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:41,246
some lunatic confessed to the crime.
422
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:51,757
You sure is good at not being able
423
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,760
to hammer up them rocks at all.
424
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,261
I wasn't really expecting
425
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,263
this kind of an environment.
426
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:00,766
Ooh, are those the conjugal visit trailers?
427
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,768
We's a team, you and me.
428
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:03,769
Got us a quota.
429
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:06,271
If'n we ain't meet her by sundown,
430
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,774
we ain't getting no dinner!
431
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:12,277
So, you, uh, get a lot of marriage proposals since you been here?
432
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,779
You hear me up, boy?
433
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:15,781
I ain't missing my shower day
434
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:19,284
account of your baby-butt hands can't swing a pick!
435
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:22,287
Grab up that there pick and bring her down!
436
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:27,793
Naw, that ain't gonna do her!
437
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,294
Here, let me show ya.
438
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802
Hup-dah!
439
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,304
Now you're getting it!
440
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:43,308
I... think... my... shoulders...
441
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,812
are... dis... locating...
442
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,313
That's enough out of you.
443
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:53,318
By the power vested in me
444
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:54,820
by the state correctional facility,
445
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,321
I now pronounce you man and wife.
446
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,323
You may now insert the gag.
447
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,327
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
448
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,831
Yello?
449
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:06,832
It's the governor.
450
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:07,833
The real killer confessed.
451
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:09,334
You've been pardoned.
452
00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:10,836
[INMATES CHEERING]
453
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:15,340
Now we can start a life together, Alice.
454
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,842
It's like a miracle!
455
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,844
You're innocent?
456
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,846
I'm having serious second thoughts.
457
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:22,347
The governor wants to speak to you.
458
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:24,349
Tell him to hold for one minute.
459
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,857
Oh, which one is the hold button?
460
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:35,360
[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]
461
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:40,866
[music]
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